Blog

Warm, Friendly and Supportive – You know how it feels when entering an environment where you can palpably feel the warmth, a friendly spirit and the sense that your heart will be supported while there.  It stimulates an expansive feeling in your chest and brings emotional comfort while soothing the mind.  I believe human beings crave this experience and are positively affected when they do.

So, what if that kind of environment was your private ‘special place’?  But instead of it being an external location, what if it was the environment of your own mind?  There IS a way to cultivate a warm, friendly and supportive environment in that wonderful mind of yours.  Come walk with me a while and discover something about it.

 “I’m too hard on myself” – Addressing inner conflict

If you were to turn your attention inward to notice the present energy dynamic and thought environment of your own mind, would you find that warmth and support for yourself?  I’m asking because in the many years I’ve been working with people to support the development of their emotional confidence and awareness, self-criticism and doubt along with the suppression of feelings has been the most prevalent pattern people discovered in that deep mental space.  Generally, out in the world, people are often talking about it.  For example, how often have you said or heard someone say, “I’m too hard on myself.”?  I’ve often wondered if being ‘hard on self’ even a small amount is ‘too hard’.  I think it is.  I believe we do not need this internal pressure and stress in order to be successful, happy and fulfilled.  In fact, the real question seems to be, how can we experience these positive things if we have the pressure and stress that criticism and self-doubt inherently deliver?

When we have positive intentions, enthusiasm for forward motion, an abundance of energy to create but are still plagued by the doubt and criticism that lurks below the surface, it is very challenging to sustain the energy level and concentration of focus required to run the course.  In order for solid emotional self-confidence to develop, we need our mental patterns to be congruent and grounded.  We need something supportive to happen in our own mind…ongoing.  Oh my gosh…truly we do!   Let’s explore.

Expectations without agreement don’t work

Why does anyone need to be hard on their own mind and heart?  What does that really mean?   Unreasonable expectations lead to the underlying stress that sets us up for disappointment and confusion.  Often, we don’t realize the level of expectation we consistently place on ourselves.  It lurks in the under-layers of the attention and stirs and stirs…irritating and driving the ‘stress train’.

In a relationship with another person, if you project expectations when there was no genuine and aboveboard agreement, things don’t go very well.  Who has not experienced this kind of dynamic? It ends up requiring us to ‘learn the hard way’ about respect and negotiation being essential in a mutually satisfying relationship.  With this example in mind, you can see how much more meaningful it is to have an abundance of self-respect and well-aligned personal values activated within the gut and mind. This gorgeous organizational pattern will give birth to effective motivations that in turn, fuel effective life choices and actions.

We all need consistent support in order to be sustainably effective in daily life.  When the support comes directly from yourself to yourself, the ‘well’ has no bottom.  There are many self-perpetuating loops of energy within each person…always waiting to be activated and utilized.  When you decide to aim in that direction, you can utilize that energy for this meaningful purpose.  No matter what your level of inner emotional confidence is, there is enough strength and energy in you right now to be able to begin the process of becoming a more devoted and supportive friend to yourself.  You could be thinking that you don’t know how to do this.  I will show you some approaches that work quite well to get started.  Creating a new pattern of unfailing self-support is a simple structural change in your thinking patterns that will take some regular practice to implement.  For many, it is not easy to shift due to old dug-in patterns, but is worth every bit of the practice it takes to get there.  Sincere application makes the change.

Clarifying how things developed in the first place.

The old way is a pattern of anxiously thinking and internally stressing over the various aspects in one’s life.  Or attempting, under the forces of internal emotional pressure, to fulfill ideas that were passed down from family, religious and cultural demands and through investing in imaginary stories you tell yourself that don’t always include pertinent information.  Our culture is deeply entrenched in this style of psychology towards Self.  It is difficult to realize and remain consciously aware of what a grip this way of thinking about Self has on our life.  More often than not, there is a weight or pressure urging us from inside the mind to be more, do more, achieve more…often without consideration for the heart of the person.  People often reflect this while talking about their anxieties and insecure feelings when they say, “I feel I can never do enough”.

If we objectively view these patterns, it would be hard to imagine that any commonsensical mind would have consciously and deliberately put their approval on this mental dynamic.  Do you think that if a person with common sense thought this whole attitude through thoroughly before setting it in motion, they would still do it?  Probably not.  But we don’t think it through first.  These patterns develop unconsciously over time as our brain is developing and as we learn many other basic human skills.  This ‘hard on self’ default system is woven into the fibers of our brain neuron pathways where information circulates and organizes…and then circulates again and again.  By the time we realize that these ways of thinking are interrupting our lives, we cannot see the way out of it.   When we observe people around us, we can easily see these patterns of thinking and expressing. It is easy to think it is ‘normal’, and just ‘part of being human’ in our society.  It feels like something we have to adapt to…just learn to ‘deal with’.  And no wonder with this type of suppression of harsh and anxious feelings consistently stirring, depression develops and along with it feelings of hopelessness and fear of the future.  Many try to distract themselves or just work harder to perform and compensate, but these strategies don’t get to the bottom of it.

Finding Emotional Security

We really need to develop individuated self-confidence.  We need emotional self-reliance and attitudes of self-responsibility that take care of our personal rights and also account for our own words and actions.  We also need to learn to be friends to our own Self so that we can be authentic in our relationship with others.  Within a mutually supportive true-hearted relationship, what is there that could not be accomplished?

As adults, somewhere in the experience of living and learning, we look for a better internal quality of life. We will eventually realize that the friendly, supportive and warm environment we need in order to feel safe and happy must first come from ourselves.  What person could provide another person with consistent, 24/7 ‘enoughness energy’ and attention?  Did our parents even provide this for us when we needed it the most?  Even when our parents intended to give it, and gave all that they had, if they did not have the emotional confidence within themselves for their own self-support, how were they supposed to be able to pass it to us?  And in turn, if we didn’t have it in ourselves, how could we give it properly to our children.  When we consider these questions, we might realize the source of much of the insecurity people feel.  Emotional security is not something we find in people’s personality structure very often.  The lack of it is handed down from generation to generation in many different forms.  Then, you may try to get this security from another person, but no matter how much someone loves you and shows up for you, you need this security inside yourself, as you never know what life will call upon you to bear.  In my perspective, the solution comes from our own self-treatment…finding the power and strength inside of our own precious heart to be consistently supportive to one person…Self.  From there, competent caring and love for others becomes a smooth transition.  The world receives a genuine and self-secure person well and the light shines all around.

We experience many extra benefits in our own life when we can find something sturdy, valuable, secure and confident in our own Being and not looking to others to help us feel ok about ourselves.  When we are not reliant on others for self-confidence feelings, we become clear-minded and can think things through before taking action and see what is going on around us much better.  When we realize we have a choice to see things the way we choose to and think for ourselves in the face of other people’s powerful opinions, there is a possibility for us to find the confidence we clearly need.

Unintentional Addictions and Leftover Challenges after Helpful Medications 

Because of the built up internal expectations and stresses that come from the patterns we are exploring here, sometimes people feel the need to take medications to calm themselves.  These tranquilizing and ‘pain numbing’ medicines can and often are addictive within a short period of time and even systematic withdrawal can cause havoc in a person’s life for months and sometimes years.  Other people develop various types of maladaptive coping strategies and behaviors that end up creating more inherent stress in the mind and body.  For example, when people drink alcohol or take supposed ‘recreational drugs’ to attempt to deal with deeply rooted psychological stress patterns, they just create another stress pattern in the body that often ends up interrupting the ability to sleep well and feel clear-minded along with the many other obvious difficulties that can arise.  More and more cultures are steeped in drug and alcohol addiction challenges.  

Often, people do not realize they are addicted until they are faced with consequences.  These precious people usually never intended to develop these additional interruptions in their own lives, but nevertheless find themselves stuck in chemical patterns that deplete life force, interrupt the quality of mental health and challenge the ability to have mature and fulfilling relationships with others.  Some people can end up losing everything they’ve worked for and all their close relationships before they are able to stop relapsing and gather the will and fortitude to get ahold of themselves.  This is a genuine universal crisis circling our globe.  

If you find that you have confusion or judgment in your mind about this, please remember, our dear humanity is in great need of the depth of Compassion.  Perhaps if you decide to find a broader perspective about it and learn more facts about these conditions, you will find more Compassion in your heart as well.  When we have greater Compassion for the internal struggles of ourselves as well as others, we help to heal the world.

After relief from anxiety and depression, the old thinking patterns need to change to support it.

Even when people gain benefit from anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications, those medications do not fix or displace the psychological issues I’m describing that can often be part of the cause of the anxiety and depression…including eating disorders.  If they are tolerated well, the medications seem to help stimulate supportive brain chemistry, shifting away from the chemistry that is somewhat produced from patterns of stress thinking and behavior.  This can help stimulate more ‘possibility thinking’.  However, it is my long term experience with mentoring clients that they still need to work with their thought patterns towards themselves, which I believe is often the root of much of the trouble in the first place.  

I wonder what you are thinking right now as you read this article.  Do you see things you haven’t really focused on before?  Or, are you finding validation for things you have felt and thought for a while?  I can assure you that many of the people around you also struggle with difficult self relationship.  It is going on all around and often people are not necessarily aware.  The turn-around starts with one person at a time, taking steps to claim the power of healing in their own mind and life.  We each have the healing power of love and compassion in us and can use it for good.  Let’s do something fresh, new and meaningful with it starting today…let’s aim towards a better internal mental and emotional life.  

Displacing the old with the New

I’m inspired through the potential of this internet portal (site), to reach out to people everywhere and anywhere on the planet, to support and encourage them to find new ways to learn the daily regeneration of thoughts, ideas and energetic patterns that will displace the old ones.  There are ways to reach through the old patterns of repetitive thoughts and emotions that are seemingly immoveable. We can systematically approach the new.  The brain and deeper mind has plasticity.  Possibilities abound.

Our own heart of hearts is longing for special attention.  It longs for a way towards peace and contentment.  Patience and loving dedication towards building the experience of clarity, peace of heart and secure individual rights can pay off in a big way.  Sometimes, the most meaningful things come in small packages. Simple but consistent practices can make a profound difference in your quality of life.  When we can collectively understand the great need to listen to our own heart, there will be greater hope and possibility for our species.

Being Receptive to your own Heart

For many years, when I delved into this topic with people, in both private sessions and group workshops, it was truly revelatory to me how many people had this consistent inner demand on self to perform, know, accomplish and live up to expectations that weren’t designed to support balanced mental and emotional well-being.  It also seems that many people who are steeped in these patterns don’t realize how many other people around them have the same struggles.  It can help people feel less alone when they realize they are one of the many.  So I invite you to open your heart to yourself, the best you can right now, and realize.  Then please include yourself in the healing possibilities and walk away from the troubles.  When you do this, you’ll be helping others doing it.  This happens by the nature of unconscious collective connection and expansion.  (I’ll write more about this phenomena in future articles.)

So…what about listening to what your heart is saying…then experiencing being satisfied and fulfilled?  How about allowing the wisdom of your true heart to lead your life?  That IS an option…a great one.  Just imagine the emotional uplift that could come from a supportive environment that was sustained inside you, independent of the world around you.  Your deep inner power and intelligence would rise and bring with it, expansiveness and creativity.  The feeling is indescribable.  What can you imagine your life being like, when you are free of criticism and unreasonable expectation of yourself and instead full of supportive, warm feelings and clear-minded thinking?

Giving yourself a break by Staying in the NOW

When left to one’s own devices with this topic, the most common tendency is to start by reviewing specific past reflections in an attempt to grasp and understand the personal details of how and why it all got started for the individual.  This method of approach can bog down the mind in the quicksand of old memories and bad feelings.  Even though I did write in this article some overview perspectives on how these patterns developed in the human collective, it almost seems to me like it doesn’t matter so much how these patterns developed in you specifically.  It seems a futile effort, going to the past for that answer now.  Even if one can be clear enough in their memory to truly define the past more specifically, it doesn’t seem to really change how it feels now.  

NOW is what is important to us in real experience.  What we feel today matters.  How we react to today’s situations effects the quality of our life.  What we do about it writes the future.  I care about any struggles you are having…and anyone who has difficulty in their mind and emotions.  And am here to tell you for sure, things can get better and it won’t be arduous if you let yourself explore and experiment as we go along here.  It will be smoothest if you practice new ways with yourself in dedication to your own quality life.

…there is enough love and intelligence in your heart…

It took me years to sort out all the non-supportive ‘stuff’ in my head that was placed there by the influences from the world around me as I grew up…and then strongly reflected in the people close to me.  I later realized that it was mostly unconscious programming in them and then in myself.  People don’t really consciously want to be insensitive, critical, harsh and demanding on self.  But it happens none-the-less.  With the saturation in our society sustained by the ongoing collective habits, what hope is there for change except to wake up, stay in the present and address it head on with a warm supportive intent.  I believe there is enough love and intelligence in your heart to fuel the ability to turn these patterns around.  New ways can be learned and practiced.  New results are possible.

Forcing, prodding and pushing oneself creates patterns of resentment, rebellion, anxiety, depression and then stimulates fear mixed with negative projections into the future.  Please do what you need to do to find another way to live…you need peace in your mind.  And it CAN happen as you deliberately aim your attention and choices in that direction. When you have a heart for yourself, anything is possible.  When you have competent support to help you explore, learn and practice new ways to be with yourself that work, you can do a good job for yourself.  I’ll assist you to jump start the process here.  

Some personal reflections

In my younger years I faced the need for these very same transformational processes.  I realized that I had to break away from these deep seated self-suffocating patterns in order to survive emotionally.  There was a period of time where I needed to deliberately change my life in several ways in order to make it through.  I sought help.  Ultimately, I found that I had to mostly help myself on a very basic gritty human level.  It wasn’t working with the options handed to me and ‘the best of my being’ wasn’t coming out from the depth.  It took some extra courage, but I had to break free. There was a longing to be happy, rooted well into the ground and also to serve others in a meaningful way.  The inner culture of self-criticism was vibrating all around me as well as in my own mind and it seemed to be self-perpetuated.  I felt saturated from the outside and the inside was screaming out, needing to be free to find my way…to create anew.  

There was the deep realization that I needed to re-enliven the natural warmth that was ‘primal and elemental’ in me…and then give it to myself.  This was the natural warmth I mainly expressed and used as the motivation to serve and befriend others.  I could give it, but when it came to self-treatment, my mind wasn’t so friendly to me.  Ugh!  It became clear to me that I needed something that wasn’t being exemplified in the many environments I found myself in.  My sensitivities were such that I felt if I didn’t do something different with my self-relationship, life wasn’t going to work for me very well.  I knew there would be a way for me but I had to break from tradition and commit myself to find a way that works on a very elemental level.  How could I truly love and serve others if I didn’t have the foundation in my own self-relationship?

The Mother of Invention

Yes, it is long been said that ‘necessity is the mother of invention’.  This was true for me.  Something from the depth of my Being knew I would find a way.  So, my emotional and spiritual survival instincts kicked in…my Soul came forward.  With a long period of developing new patterns and shifting my internal life towards the positive, warm supportive energies, my experience of life changed for the better.  The commitment I had to make to myself for this to be possible had to be clear, deliberate and self-sustained.  It was difficult for me because I didn’t always feel that I had it in me to be emotionally strong for myself, even though I was seemingly able to be there for others.  I had to show up for myself in ways that would defy the intensely unreasonable expectations that were circulating inside my mind.  It became obvious that I had to be independent about this change, not looking to others to help make it work for me.  Practice, practice and practice.  As a friend later once depicted while characterizing their learning experiences, “stumble, bumble and humble”.  It takes repetition, learning from experiences and re-addressing and re-framing as well as creating anew.  

I discovered that the workable approaches and perspectives required were all friendly, supportive and full of common sense.  The unreasonable and irrational expectations had to go.  I had to give up the desire for others to help me feel ok about myself.  I FOUND THE IT…what I called the Mother Vein in the Mine.  From there things got better, stronger and sure-footed.  Whatever worked had to have the spirit of positive forward motion.  Once I got started in a sure direction, it didn’t take too long for the aliveness within my being to come fully to the surface.  It was similar to the aliveness I felt as a child but was matured, seasoned from life experiences.  The energy and life force that I had put aside for the sake of attempting to fulfill ideas as well as for the desire to please others was now coming forward to include my heart and then serve others in a more independent, integrated, mature and responsible way.  When I started to feel better emotionally from deep inside, I knew I was going in the ‘right’ direction for my healing and the further development of my maturity.  It all proved out.  After some time spent quietly integrating what I had learned and experienced, new pathways for my life naturally unfolded.  This all led me to the exquisite opportunities to be of support to others in the way I had learned to be supportive to myself.  A true paradigm shift in my human consciousness had occurred.  This new life unfolded before me effortlessly.  When I was ready everything came together and the forward motion lifted me up from within.  A heart full of gratefulness has been my mainstay since then.

…”to be free of self-inflicted burdens”

Later, when I was working with people of all ages and lifestyles, it became clear to me that it doesn’t seem to matter how young or old a person is when they come to this point…just that they feel deeply dedicated to free themselves from the prison of the unkind and self-perpetuated stress mindset.  With some competent guidance, direction and the will to practice and dedicate good energy to it, a person can turn things around for themselves.  It is the fulfillment of a deep human longing to be free from self-inflicted burdens and to experience lightheartedness.  It really is so much fun to develop and sustain a friendly internal space to live in.  Who wouldn’t respond positively to a supportive and inwardly spacious environment?

Do you see yourself in any of this?

How about it?  Do you experience a critical internal mental circuit?  Is it stressful?  Do you have strong habits of imposing expectations on yourself that don’t make good common sense?  Does your heart long for another more workable and long lasting way to live internally?  I’m guessing your answers are “Yes, yes and yes!”  This internal challenge is so pervasive…we know it but don’t see a way to break the pattern and replace it with something better that is consistently supportive.  That ‘thing’ isn’t complicated and overly difficult…but just requires dedication, practice and a heart for yourself.

When we recognize the self-critical pattern in friends, associates and family members, we try to help them by telling them…(and oh yes, here it is again)… “Don’t be so hard on yourself”.  And then encouraging all the positive things about the person.  Do you recognize this pattern?  This attempt to lift the person up might help in the short run, but the criticalness and expectation pattern is so deeply embedded in the psyche that this type of support from ‘other’ is just a bandage at best.  And then, a short time after someone that cares about you lifts you up, or you are lifting up someone you care about, it all goes back the way it was.  This is what I’m trying to show you about deeply imbedded patterns.  You know how it goes.  Emotional self-confidence is not easily found.  Often, people have ‘out of balance’ psychology about self-confidence.  They tend to either push or pull others…do the dominance-or-submissive, passive-aggressive or ‘fake it till you make it’ style of coping.

There are ways to turn this around.  It is not hard, but it takes independent thinking and practicing new ways of treating yourself…in thoughts and choices for action.  It takes developing new ways of approaching yourself that include you and cultivate a friendly spirit in your mind towards the internal quality of your own life and your tender heart.

First, I had to realize for myself that I needed to find a way to redirect the warmth and friendly spirit I had for others towards my own internal life.  I had to become more aware of what was meaningful to me and choose to go towards it.  I had to accept that caring for my own emotional life was important…perhaps more important than serving other people’s ideas of my life.  I needed to take my compassion and sympathy and constructively direct it towards my own inner needs for consistency and security.  I had to learn to claim the right to my own internal space…the right to think for myself about my motivations and deep emotional needs.  I needed to respect my right to be supportive instead of critical to myself.  This required me to break away from some relationships that pulled on me to be insensitive to myself and give the good stuff away to others.  I needed to get to know myself more deeply and become more aware of and respect my own feelings and deep needs.

...this is a stage of emotional maturing

In reflection, it seems that this is a stage of emotional maturing that is often not experienced by many due to the distraction of outer life and the apparent demands of adult life.  I can assure you that life is more fulfilling and satisfying for yourself and others around you when you are empowered with your own self-understanding and have a secure connection with what is meaningful to you.

It is a bit of work to develop the practice, but not hard work…just concentrated attentiveness to be more aware of your internal thoughts and feelings and then re-framing your thoughts and emotional directions towards the new pattern of ‘warm, friendly and supportive’ as soon as you realize the critical and demanding pattern arising.  After a short time, it will become much more interesting and fulfilling to live in that warm, supportive environment you created and you won’t want to leave it.  You’ll want to protect it and keep building it and refresh it so that you can have solid assurance that regardless of what happens in the circumstances of your life, you will always have the wonderful space to live and rest in…within yourself.

How-To Steps for the Practice of Building the New

• Acknowledge as clearly as you can the stress and pressurized patterns in your thoughts that do not work for you. Look objectively at the pattern as if you were above it looking down at the mechanism of its working parts…i.e. When, how often, how persistent, how it effects your quality of life.  Developing a habit of objectivity to your emotional patterns will bring up your inner strength that you didn’t know was in there. 
• Commit to creating a new pattern with regular practice. The brain’s neuron pathway network is very malleable and will respond to the intention and commitment. It will be receptive to the repetition of the practice and allow ‘the new’ to take hold… eventually creating a new default.
• Heighten your awareness of the pattern as it activates in your mind.  It takes consistent practice to develop solid self-awareness.  You can do it if you have a heart for yourself.
• As soon as you recognize it, begin re-framing your thoughts to the warm, friendly and supportive pattern. After a while of practicing, it only takes a gentle re-direct activation of intention.  The building of the new pathway in your mind takes on the project once you ‘press enter’.
• Repeat the last two steps as often as your awareness brings it to your attention. Repetition is the way the brain builds new neuron pathways.  Repetition is the basis for learning and creating new patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional direction.  It is a simple process and it works.
• Review your understanding of how this works as you go along and enjoy seeing the shifts and changes in your mind’s ‘environment’. (Note: for those of you who might tend to obsess, don’t do this ‘review’ step very often – a seedling can’t be pulled out of the ground for observation of its progress if it is expected to develop roots) . If you set a schedule of sitting down to contemplate how it is going once a week or so and take some journal notes, you’ll enjoy seeing the progress when you reflect to past weeks.  Doing this will encourage you to stick with the process when it feels challenging.
• Rest, allow things to ‘happen’ in your brain on your behalf. They will!!
• Whaaaa laaaaa! In no time, you’ll notice changes occurring in your thinking, even when you aren’t practicing.

Five Take-Aways about the Process

1.  Employ the practice of Objectivity to your Emotions as it adds core strength and ‘clarity power’ to the process.  (I will write more about this in future posts.)

2.  Commit to creating and protecting the new environment …new patterns of thinking.

3.  Practice, practice, practice…it becomes a new internal default pattern.  Please have FUN with all parts of this process.  The pluses and minuses of the experience are all educational.

4.  Acknowledge and Celebrate small successes… they point the way to more.  Examples of things to acknowledge and celebrate: Any time you realize that you remembered to practice; Any time you feel your inner strength to be able to turn your negative thoughts towards Self to supportive ones instead; When you notice that you are feeling more positive than other people you used to feel more in common with; etc.  What are your other small successes?

5.  Invite others to join you in the adventure…and spaciously support each other in a field of fun and lightheartedness about it.  There IS power in numbers.  It is catchy!!  Life changes for the better.

The Outcome

Being happy, satisfied and able to contribute to others is something to be grateful for in this life.  From a deep place inside of your mind and feelings, you can change from an internally stressed life to an uplifting and fulfilling life .  These things are all up to you.  You can pick up your life and re-address it…using for fuel, your natural intelligence and the abundance of emotional power.  It starts with the first thought, the first action.

What you say and do is about you!  It is your choice.

_____________________

Please Contact Me and let me know how you are doing with this process.  I’m interested in you and want to support you in it.

Or, feel free to write a Comment below.  I’d love to hear how you feel and how you experienced the article.

Note: Those who have already done this wonderful transformational work, Thank You.  Please join me in spirit and action to set an example of living this way… and thereby encourage and strengthen the hearts and minds of those around you who are struggling to find their way.